A fresh start, a burst of enthusiasm, and renewed motivation. New beginnings have always been romantic and sweet for me. My day dreams tend to center around such fantasies, and I use any excuse of a new year or cycle to begin afresh. Perhaps this time it is also accompanied with a sense of longing, a yearning for an escape that could some day become my reality. With it also comes a relief of sorts, a peaceful sigh that I still have this outlet. And with that, I begin again, this time with simple thoughts accompanying a fresh bouquet of orchids and the calming green of my warm matcha tea! But behold, the mind is a rabbit hole. Will my darker fears drive away the warmth of the shining sun?
My evening cup of coffee is replaced, more often now as the days go by, with green matcha tea. The discovery of this drink and the attempt to make a good cup of it, was a long time coming. Once I figured out the little secrets, including how plant-based milks taste better with it, and how getting the correct amount is key, this has become more of a comforting routine, than just something warm to sip on. If I enjoy the luxury of a mid-day nap, this is the reason I wake up from it. I know it will be exactly what I expect, with it when I sit down with a cup. It's new, yet familiar. I can be assured that there won't be any surprises, and this is comforting to me. Something I can rely on, with the full knowledge of what's in store.
The only newness this drink now brings with it, is the time of the year we're in. We've just stepped into a new year, and how I loved the transition! My resolve to move in peacefully was rewarded with journal pages filled with reflections, reviews and new ideals to keep at. With a bout of fever added to the mix, I'd like to believe that I walked into the year with adequate rest and respite, after a full year of going places.
As I sip on this cup, sometimes gulping mouthfuls as it certainly is yum, I think ahead too about what this year could bring. The possibilities seem so vast when I stand at the beginning of it, with many months stretching ahead. The horizon looks far away, and my emotions take a dip when I think of everything that could go wrong in the days to come. Uncertainty, fear of the unknown, very unlike the matcha that won't disappoint. I know that this year could be a big one for me, but I am also aware that it could just as much be yet another one, with no extraordinary changes. One more that passes, with some lessons learnt and growth, but nothing life changing. I notice that the downward turn my thoughts are spiraling towards, is on a starkly different tangent compared to how I started. The darkness that comes with the unknown is gut wrenching, but I remind myself that this is no way to begin afresh. The idea was to stay positive and welcome all things great. The plan was to manifest the best and simply hope for strength for the rest, certainly not to dwell on what is uncomfortable from an uncertain future. Will twists of fate happen? Maybe they will. but predicting through mere imagination can possibly do no good. Where is the faith, I ask myself, why am I so scared to let it be? My numerous belief principles on courage and taking life as it comes, believing in the timing of things and all for the best, seem to collapse on myself like a deck of cards. I spiral a little more, mostly with self doubt and the frustration at the inability to see into this horizon. One that was golden and promising, now looks bleak and overcast.
I must stay afloat, these drowning thoughts are helping no one. I try to be kind to myself by accepting that this is just me preparing, a flight or fight response to something that may loom up ahead. I tell myself that all things happen for good, and that the bigger plan will be beautiful. A few hours passed like this, with my thoughts getting slightly brighter, and the sky growing relatively darker. It is difficult, but I try. Slowly but surely, the gloom seems to lift. To shake me out of it, there are also peripheral activities, like my shirtless husband's sweet pecks on my cheek, and the feathered birds chirping angrily at each other.
With time, I feel better, though surprised how quickly the mind could betray you! My final defense is the retort that nothing really matters anyway. and that I can very well throw caution to the wind. As I take the empty cup to rinse at the sink, I feel like I have given my emotions a good wash-down. Maybe this is a more practical way to approach a new year; to be honest with myself, and accept my reality, than hide behind false positivity. A wake up call, in a way, but also a reminder that most of it is in the mind of course. And to reinstate that only things in my control can be affected, I revisit my vision board, a lazy set of pages created to help me sort my thoughts. And I realize that all we can do is truly live a day at a time, and focus on the minutes at hand.
Much grateful to matcha for these harsh truths, and come to think of it, the sharp bitterness that sometimes hits your tongue is maybe a warning sign that matcha doesn't mask much!
